"the choice" ch-8

"in which there is a first kiss and a last dance"

He sat with his arm around me all through church. It was then that the knowledge settled on me with assurance that I was choosing him. I was choosing the new, unknown over the old and comfortable and there was no question that it was the right choice. I had no idea what to expect and I was okay with that.

This was a new sensation for me. I grew up in the same town, ward, school and with the same friends. Until I moved to Seattle there wasn't a whole lot of change and faith leaping going on. But I was okay with it. The only worry was how to tell Matt.

Dave wanted to do something after church and I just told him I already had plans to go see a friend. I assured him I'd call him later. He drove me to my Aunts house where I was just moving from his car to mine. I squeezed his hand and smiled at him and he got out and walked me to my car. He gave me a hug and I got in and shut the door. I watched him walk back to his car in my rear view mirror when halfway there he stopped and turned around. I rolled down my window to see what he wanted. He got to my car, leaned into the window and kissed me twice. They were quick and gentle, then he turned and left without a word.

I was stunned. I just sat there for several minutes. It wasn't until he had driven away that I realized what I was doing and decided to restart my breathing and go do what I knew I had to do.

I had an hour drive to think about what to say to Matt. I ran several scenarios through my mind but I wasn't really ready when I got there. I think he knew something was up based on my body language and that I was being really quiet. We went to his room to be out of his parents ear shot and sat down. Some of his mission luggage was already out for odds and ends that he was collecting to take along. I don't really remember the words I said. I remember expressing that I knew we weren't going to get married, regardless of what happened between Dave and I. I remember telling him that when I read his patriarchal blessing months ago and got to the part about his wife, I saw her in my mind and it sure as heck wasn't me. I remember that he ran through the stages of grief really fast. At one point he ignored me and played his video games. At another point he threw a bottle of tylonol against the wall where it popped open and pills flew around. He cried, he asked if I was sure and in the end I tried to give him his ring back (he wouldn't take it) but a peace settled around both of us.

I stood up to go and he tried to hug me. I pulled away a little because I didn't want to be a cheater and I felt much more invested in Dave. He looked hurt and asked if I would just dance with him before I left. I agreed and we shared a last dance. I don't think there was music, even. But it was a poignant moment. The end of a relationship that had brought major changes to both of our lives. And now we were both moving on in new ways. He was preparing to serve the Lord for 2 years in Florida, and I was jumping into the unknown with a serenity in my heart that I had never known before.

The next day I had an email from Dave asking how my evening was and did I want to hang out when he got off work? I went to the gym that day and started to worry again. It was time for phase 2 of this whole honesty thing. I needed to explain that I had, in a sense, broken up with my fiance the night before.