I will NEVER...

Have you ever said you would never do something and then a few years later, you turn around and do just that? Well, I do it all the time.

A few examples.

One time one of my parents said they thought I would marry someone who worked in an office. (I know, random). I believe my response was something like "uh, no way, never." My husband is a software developer/tester. Yup, office.

I used to emphatically exclaim "I will NEVER own a mini-van!" Well, it came time to get a larger vehicle, and economy won out in the end. I drive a Dodge Caravan. (which, ironically, is also the specific minivan I least wanted to own).

A couple years ago, I was walking down the street in the city I now live in with my youngest sister. She sighed and said "I love it here, I'm going to move here as soon as I can." I said "not me. I'll never live here." And now I can't picture myself raising my kids anywhere else.

So now, I've found myself entering another paradigm shift of something I thought would "never" change. My parenting style.

On one level, I've always believed that every person, every child is different and what works for one doesn't work for all. I still believe that. But on another level, as a parent, I've identified myself as "AP" (attachment parenting) and I'm finding myself fighting against the label now. So, I began mentally examining my real parental beliefs and actions against traditional AP beliefs and actions.

Breast-feeding. I breast feed my babies. I've read the studies and I made the conscious decision to breast-feed. Through further examination though, I don't really do it for the "right" reason. It comes easily to me. I've never dealt with engorgement, cracked/bleeding nipples (rofl, I can just imagine the kind of hits this post is going to get with words like these in it) or mastitis. Sure, I leak like a faucet, but that's easy to deal with. A little Lansinoh nursing pad in place and it's all good. But why do I breastfeed? Really? Money and laziness. I'd rather not pay for formula when my body makes milk for free and I'd rather not get up in the middle of the night to make a bottle when I can attach baby to the boob and go back to sleep.

Co-sleeping. I kind-of co-sleep. Again, I've read the studies and the debates and made the decision to do it. Sometimes. I nurse my kids to sleep, then lay them in their own bed. When they wake up the first time, I go get them, bring them to my bed, attach them for another feeding and go back to sleep. They finish the night in my bed. Maybe once a week or so, one of my older kids will show up in my bed early in the morning and that's okay too. Wanna know why? I'm sleeping and I don't want to interrupt it to move a kid back to their own bed.

It's all about me, baby.

Baby wearing. I own three baby wearing devices. A ringed sling, a mei-tai (chinese style front/back carrier) and a wrap. I use them all depending on what I'm doing. AP parents believe that if you literally attach your child to you whenever possible, then you will have a happier, healthier baby and a stronger bond with that baby. My views on babywearing? Depends on the kid. With my oldest, I didn't really know anything about it, so he rode in strollers. No biggie. With my second, I started with a double stroller, but later found it was easier (again, for me) to wear her and push Nathan. With Gabe, when we're out and about, I generally will wear him and use the sit and stand stroller for the other two. Although, lately I've been using the stroller more for him (he's getting heavy!) I very rarely wear my kids at home. If we're home, they're in the swing, the saucer or crawling around getting into stuff. Or I'm just holding them (like now...Gabe is zonked on my lap and I'm typing.) If I'm making dinner and he's crying, then he cries til I'm at a point where I can solve his problem. I don't automatically respond to a cry and I don't wear him constantly to avoid cries.

Spanking. I still don't spank. I still believe in positive reinforcement over punishment. But....I spanked Aria a couple times before I really truly converted to not spanking. She totally zoned out, it had no effect on her. So, in all honesty, I don't spank because it doesn't work for my kids. No other reason.

Cloth diapering. I've considered it, but I'll probably never do it. Too much work and I don't want to make the investment into cloth diapers, especially if I didn't follow through long enough to actually save money. I'm sure some of you are thinking, it's not that hard! It's totally worth it! So, let me give you a rundown of a typical diaper change.

-lay baby down
-locate new diaper
-find baby, put him back on his back
-locate wipes
-flip baby back over
-remove soiled diaper
-wipe
-wrap wipes inside soiled diaper
-flip baby over again
-put new diaper on (probably flipping baby over a couple times during the process)
-snap the onesie back up...maybe put pants back on. Not always necessary.
-throw diaper in the general direction of the nearest garbage can to pick up next time I go that direction. (this will change when his poo starts to stink...there will be plastic bag locating in the list so I can tie up the stinky diaper before I toss it towards a garbage can)

You see? Cloth diapering just won't work for me.

So...what's my real parenting style? LBP. Lazy Bum Parenting. My beliefs are...

-Know your children and what makes them tick
-Love them unconditionally

and

-Do whatever you want as long as nobody gets hurt and everybody is happy but don't expend too much energy on it.

Seriously, though. I'm starting to move away from the total absorbtion parenting style. I want to raise independent (but family oriented) children and I want to have my own identity in the meantime. I consider myself independent, but I'm still very close to my parents and siblings. I can be a good mom (perhaps a better mom) by allowing time to just be me. I can teach my children to find themselves by knowing myself. I can encourage family unity without smothering them in "togetherness."

A few days ago, Aria was sitting alone on the back porch. I asked her if she wanted to come play with the rest of us and she said "no, I just want to be alone right now."

And I knew exactly how she felt.