The tapestry of my life

In August of 2004, I had a miscarriage. Up to this point, that event is the hardest thing I've dealt with in my life. I had an amazing support system throughout that trial and I learned a lot about myself. During that time, I had some spiritual experiences that molded and refined me. I was allowed to receive answers about the child I lost. This is something I wrote shortly after the miscarriage.

It just occurred to me that Jesus spilt His blood for me. Somehow that strikes a chord with me. It makes me feel closer to Him, knowing that He knows what it feels like to bleed for someone. I bled and lost my child. He bled and lost children too. But His bleeding also saved us all. Perhaps losing Gracie now and the suffering we are going through by losing her in this life will serve a greater purpose that I’m not aware of. If nothing else, I’m learning to appreciate the atonement on a deeper level than ever before.

I opened my scriptures tonight and they fell open to the Topical Guide subject that said “Salvation for Little Children”. My baby is with Jesus. She is “sanctified
through the atonement of Jesus Christ.” (D&C 74:7).

Tonight we let some balloons go outside. We drew a heart on one and Nathan and Aria both colored on one. We stood outside together gave the balloons a kiss and said “I love you, Gracie” and let them go. I told Nathan we were giving them to her in Heaven so she would know that we love her and miss her. I think it gave him some closure. I miss her. But I am feeling comforted and I have so much support. Through it all, I am very blessed.

She would have been 1 year old this month. This got me thinking about the tapestry of my life. Our lives are an intricately woven design. How could we ever pull out a thread knowing that it would change the whole pattern? How can I wish for Gracie, when I have Gabe now? You see, Valentines day of last year is when I found out I was pregnant with Gabe. And I could never wish him away. He fits perfectly into our family right where he is.

Every event of our lives somehow patterns the following events. We learn from our trials and our mistakes. And how could we wish away the knowledge that we gain? Without experience, without knowledge, what else do we have?

So, I guess when it comes right down to it, God knows what He's doing, and he'll tell us, if we ask. He'll prepare us, comfort us, get us through and bless us. Nathan and Aria remember those balloons and still associate them with their sister. Just a few days ago, Nathan saw a purple balloon in the store and asked Dave if he could buy it and send a valentine to Gracie. So he did. Man, I love my kids. All four of them.