"the choice" - chapter 2

"In which my prayers are answered...and I don't listen"

Matt and I fell hard and fast for each other. We worked together, went to the community college together and lived next door to each other. He was not LDS and was raised with very different standards than I was.

I wasn't worried though. I'd fix him.

It wasn't long before I'd taken him to church and introduced him to the sister missionaries. They met at my parents house and he was baptized after we'd been together for about 8 months.

During this time, I was struggling with my testimony and some bad choices I was making. I had no question about the truthfulness of the gospel but I didn't know if I was even remotely significant to God. I wasn't sure He was aware of me. It was Matt who pulled out my patriarchal blessing and showed me the first line. It said, unconditionally, that my Heavenly Father loved me and knew me. I was flooded with peace and knew that it was the truth. I began to take the necessary steps to return to full activity at church.

And then...life began to change. My first year of college was ending and I finally knew what I wanted to do with my future. During spring quarter I took my very first photography class and I fell in love. I still wanted desperately to be a wife and mother, but I had found something that filled my soul in a different way. I found a creative outlet that was different than the music that had been my focus previously. I loved music, still do, but this was different. It was like breathing. I needed it in a way I'd never needed an activity or hobby before.

It was at this point that God took over for me. I think he realized that my lack of motivation was crippling my future and He'd better start nudging me along.

I received a letter from one of my HS friends, Krista. She had gone the way of most of my LDS HS friends and was at BYU. (I was completely anti-BYU...this will come up again later). I hadn't really stayed in close touch with my HS friends (I'm not so good at that) so this letter was a big surprise.

She said that she just felt a need to write this letter to me. In it she told me a story. She'd been dating a good, LDS guy for a while and he proposed. So she went home to pray about it. She asked Heavenly Father "will I be happy with him?" and she received a peace that she would. If I recall correctly, she told him yes, but still felt uneasy. So she went back to her knees and changed the question. "Is he the man I'm supposed to marry?" The answer was no, accompanied by peace so she broke up with him.

So here's where I decided to get tricky. I was unhealthily invested in Matt. I was determined to marry him for a variety of reasons but the biggest one was that I thought it would right some wrongs that I had done. So I thought to myself, I don't want to know if he's the right one. All I need is to be happy. I'm just going to pray and ask if I'll be happy with him. That's a good idea. I can live with that.

So I immediately hit my knees by the couch. I was gripping Krista's letter in one hand and all I asked was "Will I be happy married to Matt?"

I have never before or since then received an answer to prayer that was so strong and undeniable. There was no "still, small voice" involved in this answer. It was more like a loud, booming and determined voice. And it was NOT my voice, nor was it the answer I wanted. It was a definite and immediate "NO." There was no question where it came from and I knew then that my plans were not going to happen like I wanted...but I'm a teensy bit (okay, a lot bit) stubborn and I thought, I'll just give it time. Maybe the answer will change. Then I went and cried.